you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
