forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Dear god my vagina.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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