I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
