I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
