I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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