I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
