She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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