I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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