She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
