At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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