Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
