This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
