i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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