Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I supernannyed him into submission
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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