I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
