dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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