I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
