I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
