The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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