I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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