I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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