Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize