Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize