I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
