meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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