Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
