you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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