he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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