Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
