dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
