I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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