WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
