do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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