Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
