Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
