Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize