Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
