hell yes lets make some ravioli
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
