you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
