I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
