Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
