you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
