my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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