im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
