apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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