I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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