Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize