bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize