I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
