I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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