Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
