i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
