When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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