when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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