don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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