It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
