I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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