I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
