Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize