New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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