He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Is it because I queefed?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Is it penis luge time yet?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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