I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
