My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
