i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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