we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
